My name is Conner Thompson and today I’m going to kill myself. Now, I wish I could give you some long romantic sob story about lovers torn apart by powers greater than themselves, a terrible childhood where my parents beet me and paid no attention to me, maybe a downward spiral into drug addiction filled with hopeless nights and shameful days, or even that I suffered from some mental disorder that filled my waking hours uncontrollable anguish and despair.
The truth though, I’m a fairly happy guy. I have a decent job, make an ok living, and have a few good friends which, in my opinion, is more than most can claim. I love my parents and they love me. Hell, they’ve been married for fifty two years now and still going strong. So I guess it comes down to one thing; I’m just consumed with the thought of what happens when you die. There it is plain and simple.
As for my personal belief about what comes after death; I subscribe to the idea that nothing happens. We’re either buried and slowly rot away or we’re cremated, either way we merely return to nature. I don’t think I have some soul that’s going to carry on and ‘shed this mortal coil’. That’s right, I’m an Atheist. Which some people group with terrorists, rapists, serial killers, and child molesters. Seriously, tell some people you’re an Atheist and they treat you like you have the plague. It’s quite humorous actually.
Now, as for how to go about killing myself I’ve given much thought to. I don’t like the site of blood, especially my own, so that rules out quite a bit of options. I can’t shoot myself because I haven’t got a gun. Maybe an overdose but from what I’ve read that rarely works and when it does it comes after days of excruciating pain; not a big fan of pain. Then the idea of hanging myself came to mind. A hanging seemed to be relatively painless and it only takes a few minutes before you lose consciousness, its true look it up.
I figure those few minutes will give me time to slowly fade away, kind of like going to sleep. As to where I’m going to tie the noose I’ve got but one option and that’s my living room ceiling fan. Sitting down and working my length of rope into a sturdy noose, which took several tries, I tied one end to the fans main shaft and grabbed hold of the other end and suspended myself from with a firm grasp. Yep, this should do nicely.
Walking into the kitchen and returned to the living with a chair in which to stand on. With everything in place I stood back and eyed the scene before me. Time to take my journey to the unknown. A feeling of calmness overcame me and I wondered if this is how people feel when they get close to accomplishing their goals or when someone finally gets an answer to a question they’ve been seeking for so long.
I had decided early on not to leave a note behind for no other reason than I don’t think suicide notes have the ability to ease anyone’s pain. I’m fully aware that what I’m doing is going to cause great suffering to my parents and friends but suicide is a selfish act. So I guess I’m guilty of being selfish but I just have to know what’s next. As I stated early I’m an Atheist but that’s my personal belief. No more right or wrong compared to another’s personal beliefs on what happens after death. No one knows for sure. After all as far as I know there hasn’t been a case where someone has died and came back to explain to us all what happens.
Well the time has come. I step up onto to the chair and gently place the noose around my neck, tightening it as snug as I can get it. I start counting backwards from ten; I don’t know why it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
I kicked the chair out from under my feet and the noose instantly tightened. I’d underestimated the power of self-preservation and instantly began to try and free myself but to no avail. I didn’t feel much pain and I kept telling myself; I’ll pass out in just a few moments. After what seemed like hours my body and mind slowly became relaxed. I could still see the far wall of my apartment and the black and white picture of a winding path through heavy woods. I think a small smile came across my face as my eyes eventually closed.
I opened my eyes and found myself staring up into a crystal blue sky. I instantly sat up and looked around. Well I be damned. Either I’m not entirely dead yet and my brain is still firing away to create what I’m seeing or there truly is an afterlife. I stood up and did a quick inventory of how I physically felt, everything seems fine. Strange to say the least. I glanced around again and soaked in the nature that surrounded me.
I wondered what to do now. I half expected for someone or something to pay me a visit so I waited a while and nothing. So I decided to follow the trail that led deeper into the woods; surely I’m not the only one around.
No sooner had I taken my first step a voice came from behind me.
“Where you headed?”
Startled, I turned around to find a woman standing a few feet away. With long brown hair, the deepest green eyes, and completely naked she looked at me with a sense of curiosity.
“Who are you?” I asked.
Son-of-a-bitch! I thought to myself with I’m sure a look of surprise and dread, after all I’m a suicidal Atheist; both of which can’t be good in God’s eyes.
“So you’re a woman, a lot of people would like to know that fact,” not knowing what else to say.
“I can be whatever the observer wants to see.” She quickly morphed into the classic picture of God with a long white beard and flowing hair. “You’re allowed one question and you have two choices to choose from.”
One question, so many went through my mind. What’s the meaning of life? Why are there so many different religions? What about those ancient religions and the many Gods that they believed in? Why monotheism and not polytheism? Why would a God allow bad things to happen to good people? What about free will versus predestination? Is there a heaven and hell? Where did God come from? Is there other life on other planets? And so on and so on…
“All good questions he/she/it said. But, I’m afraid you’ve already asked your question”
Damn it—I’d asked who she was.
“You’re left now with a choice.”
“You can either stay here and create your own reality or you can return to Earth as a spirit. Either choice is for eternity and many have chosen wisely and many were not so fortunate.”
I didn’t take me long to make my decision and I voiced it.
So, if you ever think you catch a glimpse of someone out of the corner of your eye, hear footsteps in the night, or feel like someone’s watching you when you know you’re alone don’t be scared it’s just me, Conner Thompson, and I’m only curious about you.
I mean you no harm.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave comments and suggestions.